Let’s face it: ninjas are totally awesome! Japanese history is replete of the epic exploits of legendary ninjas throughout the ages. Names like Hattori Hanzo, Goemon, and other famous ninjas are well known throughout the world. But there is one ninja who might be more awesome than any other for sheer audacity, cunning, and smell… His name is Ukifune Jinnai: The Dwarf Toilet Ninja!
To understand Jinnai, we first have to have a little background. The year is 1578 and it is the closing years of Japan’s most bloody period. It was an era of legends, heroes, villains, epic samurai battles, and warlords. It is the Sengoku Jidai (Warring States period). At this time, there was essentially no central government, and power had descended to the various vassals who each controlled territories, who were constantly at war with each other.
One man decided that it would be really cool to conquer everything, so he set about doing just that. His name was Oda Nobunaga. He set to this goal with a passion. He was entirely ruthless when it came to disposing of anything that came between him and his ambition to rule all. One giant impediment was Uesugi Kenshin, a warlord who could match Nobunaga in battle and ambition.
Wanting this impediment removed, Nobunaga enlisted the help of the legendary Iga ninja clan. He ordered them to assassinate Kenshin. A crack hit squad of 4 ninjas led by Ukifune Kenpachi snuck into Kenshin’s domain. But, Kenshin had his own team of ninjas to protect him from such an attack. The team led by Kenpachi was discovered by Kenshin’s ninjas, and you can imagine that an epic ninja battle must have broken out, but in the end, Kenpachi’s ninjas managed to kill the other ninjas with the use of poisoned darts. They continued on with their mission. Little did they know, the leader of the opposing ninja group was only playing dead, and once Kenpachi’s ninjas moved along, he roused the guards, surrounded the ninjas, and slaughtered every last one of them.
Kenpachi had a little brother, literally, Ukifune Jinnai was a dwarf. He stood just under 1 meter in height. Upon hearing of his brother’s death, Jinnai swore revenge. He started devising plans. The Iga clan was flummoxed as to how to fulfill their contract to the increasingly frustrated Nobunaga. Kenshin kept himself surrounded by guards, both ninjas and samurai. Getting to him seemed impossible. That is until Jinnai proposed a plan that seemed crazy, but just crazy enough to work. A plan that would use Jinnai’s height to his advantage. Jinnai would strike Kenshin when he was most vulnerable, on the toilet.
Jinnai, alone, snuck into the Kenshin domain and made his way through the ancient sewer-like system underneath Kenshin’s personal toilet. Using the spider-walk method, pressing your hands and feet to either side of a passageway to keep yourself perpendicular, he climbed up and waited for Kenshin to come and relieve himself. You have to imagine these ancient Japanese toilets being similar to out-houses or port-o-potties today, they were basically chutes with a hole at the bottom. A regular sized ninja would never be able to fit up the chute, but because of Jinnai’s size, he was perfectly suited to it. Legend says, that Jinnai prepared for this by training in earthenware pots the same size as the chutes.
When the time finally came, and Kenshin came to relieve himself, Jinnai was ready. As Kenshin sat down, Jinnai thrust a spear up into the proud warlord’s rectum! Jinnai hopped out and quickly made his way out, the guards distracted by their lord’s mysterious injury did not notice the poop covered ninja racing away.
Kenshin would die due to his injuries later, and the whole incident would be covered up by the Kenshin camp because everyone was too proud to admit that their lord had been slain while using the potty. Jinnai would be welcomed with open arms (after a good long bath, I’m sure) by his clan, whose honor was once again restored.